If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
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You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.