If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
You Might Also Like
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.