“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
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I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Spa day..😅
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
crying
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Hello Twits.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline