My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
You Might Also Like
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Time for evil
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
So that’s what we looked like?