if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
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[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
HOW DARE YOU
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.