@carlyken: If you can't handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don't deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
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@supertweetjen: The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he'll spare my life.
@AndrewChamings: Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
@taitutu: Judging by your selfie, I can't help wonder why your mother didn't try & sell you to a circus when you were younger.
@robfee: My diet has slowly gone from balanced and nutritious to Augustus Gloop on the first stop of Willy Wonka's tour.