If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
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Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Chicken bread
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Netflix and you sit over there.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.