If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.