If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
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This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total