If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
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yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.