If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
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Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.