If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
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[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.