If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
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My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
A wise man once said nothing.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is