If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
You Might Also Like
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I only treason on days ending in y
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I don’t think my car can fly
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?