me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
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Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
me after eating Cheetos
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.