As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
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My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say