Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
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Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.