@tweeterreader36: If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.
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@0point5twins: If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it's because of her haircut.
@ValeeGrrl: POLICE OFFICER: [frisking me] why do you have chicken nuggets in all your pockets? ME: they're medicinal
@DadandBuried: "Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!" - My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.