@tweeterreader36: If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.
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@SteveSuckington: How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
@sarcasticmommy4: I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
@MrYeager2: Wife: hey take me out tonight. Me: can it wait till tomorrow? Wife: why? Me: because tonight's not garbage night, tomorrow is