I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
You Might Also Like
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*