@tweeterreader36: If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.
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@david8hughes: [giving grandmother's eulogy] But on the plus side, that's the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
@cheeky__gal: I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can't tell because I'm eating Doritos.
@jergarl: [Showing a friend around the house] Me: And THIS is where my 5 yr old eats his popcorn. *motions to area covered in popcorn.
@lazerdoov: I can't prove God isn't real, but at the same time, I can't prove that my dog doesn't run a violent Asian street gang while I'm asleep.