@tweeterreader36: If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.
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@Smethanie: My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I've been drinking at home, stupid kids can't reach the pedals.
@JustLikeMikee: Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
@juliussharpe: My wife wants to have another kid. That's like seeing light at the end of a tunnel and saying, "I think we better turn around."
@dafloydsta: [spelling bee] Your word is 'arrogance' "Can you use it in a sentence?" Of course I can, don't be stupid