Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
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[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s