“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
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[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!