“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
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My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.