@daimonic0: If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
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@WhatsHerFace33: Friend - You smell nice, what's that perfume you're wearing? Me - Fear and fabric softener.
@TheMichaelRock: [at interview] Her: In three words or less, tell me why we should hire you. Me: I'm good with numbers.
@murrman5: I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents