If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
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If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓