If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
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ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
In banana years, I am bread.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it