The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
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They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?