Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
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[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
sin harder.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?