If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
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me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office