@RobDenBleyker: If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think "Look at that healthy jogger"
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@Jenny4ashley: Post that you're pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments. Tweet that you're pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
@bush_piglet: Murphy's Law - If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole's Law - shredded cabbage in mayo
@NickSchug: If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out "Marry me?" on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
@aka_fatman: "My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other's..." (silence) (silence) *Russian accent* "You give me Green Card now, yes?"