If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
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[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.