@MiniiG: If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
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@TomTheWicked: *puts kid in tub* *checks twitter* *forgets about kid* *tweets* *remembers kid* *finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*
@AndyAsAdjective: [my kid, literally every school morning] "I hate mornings. I'm not getting up" [1st day of summer vacation] "dad, can we watch the sunrise"
@donquixote229: I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
@treywafer: Dear police: if you're going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he's in the matrix