If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
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[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I hope they boil the right one.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?