“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
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If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”