Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
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When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
doing some research
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.