“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
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“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.