gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
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It鈥檚 adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it鈥檚 a brilliant idea they鈥檝e never heard before.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can鈥檛 read
If I ever meet you and you don鈥檛 look anything like your avi,you鈥檙e buying drinks for me until you do
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
When I die i鈥檓 donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they鈥檙e awake.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don鈥檛 work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They鈥檒l think they have a poltergeist and move
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Netflix My bladder
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Streaming on demand
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i鈥檓 going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don鈥檛 be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
boeing: you can鈥檛 bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: 鈥F they fall off, it won鈥檛 be because of shampoo
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
i鈥檓 in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.