Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
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My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again