If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
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Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
the noise i just made
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
For those that worship cheese..
Smells like a challenge to me
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”