If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
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Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Oh hi lol
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad