If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
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One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
bro what is going on at twitter
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I feel this so hard
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie