@sacha_is_good: "If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?" THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
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@abbycohenwl: [Buzzfeed for Cats] 6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM -Vacuum cleaner -Walls -The floor -Air -Yourself -Nothing. Nothing at all
@Danny_McH2O: I like that the doctor always asks if I'm a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit. No shit? Thanks. Here's all my money.
@justaride: I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
@platinum2000: "How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?" *I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.