ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
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They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
are there any atheist mantises?
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.