If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
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Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
How about daylight saves us for once
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.