If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
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me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.