If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
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Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
What
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind