If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
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[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Worth the read.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.