I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
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My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”