@secondofhername: If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
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@myvisable: If a woman is bad at parking it's because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.
@Cheeseboy22: Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That'll show em'.
@1Bad_Scientist: Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv! Me: Oh. No that's just for when I run out of toilet paper.
@brucepoontip: If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it