If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
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I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Pretty much. 🤣
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.