If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
You Might Also Like
I love twitter
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
he looks great for his age
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*