If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
You Might Also Like
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.