If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
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omg leave her alone
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Good morning y’all ☀️
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep