If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
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[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My Sentiments Exactly
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
me when I see my crush
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice