If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
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When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”