If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
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[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
what is cheese if not milk persevering
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.